Asleep at the wheel? Lost in the Sauce? In La La Land? Space Cadet? Tired? Overwhelmed? Does it even matter? Do I really matter? Why am I here?
Oh well!, I am exhausted and I need a nap!
For the last eight months I have been sleep walking through life! Often overwhelmed, spiritually depleted and in need of self care. Down right tired! Just living!
I’m a teacher so June is my downtime month.
I’d had time to assess where I was, where I had been and where I wanted to be. I wasn’t happy with my assessment.
I felt stuck, falling into old patterns of thinking and behaving. I was treading water but going nowhere. Emotionally I felt as if I was unraveling. If I can Just make it to………. became my mantra. I lacked Joy!
I made it. However, observing myself through those moments and the aftermath I was sorely disappointed in my self. I had checked out………again! Yes, I’d been here before and I knew better.
Why can’t I keep it together?
Am I capable of maintaining a healthy standard of emotional, spiritual and behavioral health? I’m not looking for perfection. However in times of stress, can I still walk in my calling? Can I interact within the world, yet maintain my spirituality and not take on the ways of the world?
Doubt in my ability to maintain lasting change I have spent the past three weeks turning to God through prayer and study.
Lord!, You said I am more than a conqueror! Why can’t I conquer my weaknesses, my flaws, my thoughts and be the best version of myself?
Self Awareness was the word that fell heavy in my spirit.
Ok but uhm ….. I have for years prided myself on being self aware. I know myself, I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses.
I’m Self Aware!!!!
I know better, but I cant do better. I know what I should do but I fail every time. I’m doomed to fail over and over. Stuck in mediocrity.
GOD!!! I need your help I can’t do this on my on!!!!!
I keep praying and thinking. I wait.
But in the background God is indeed working it out for my good! He is doing a new thing in me! I feel it even now as I write!